Whether the issue is workplace bullying, relational bullying, school bullying, neighborhood bullying, cyberbullying, or family bullying—BULLYING is the most common reason why people reach out to get help from Kidpower International, for themselves as well as for their children.

Here are just a few of countless examples of bullying faced by adults:

• “My colleague scowls when I come into our shared office, sabotages any idea I come up with, and tries to take credit for my work.”
• “My boss speaks to me in a sneering voice and makes nasty remarks about my competence instead of giving me constructive feedback on how to improve my performance.”
• “People in the waiting room of our clinic often curse and threaten our office staff.”
• “I’m on the board of directors of a community organization. One member disrupts our meetings by threatening to resign if he doesn’t get his way and by shouting others down if he disagrees about something.”
• “I was part of an online community that was supposed to support parents but found myself being ganged up on and eventually shunned.”
• “My sister is trying to harm my reputation with other family members because she doesn’t like my politics.”
• “My neighbor screams at me about parking every time we see each other.”
• “Even though my school has a no-bullying policy, my professor is constantly talking to and about me in a degrading way.”
• “I have disabilities, and most of my bosses in the past have called me ‘stupid’.”

Instead of constantly feeling miserable or helpless, you have the power to take charge of your safety and wellbeing when faced with bullying as an adult!

Someone might have more power than another person for many reasons, such as the following:

• Physically: By being stronger, bigger, louder, or more aggressive
• Economically: By having more money; controlling money, housing, or other resources you need; and/or being your boss
• Emotionally: By being more willing than you are to damage your relationship; knowing how to make you feel guilty; knowing how to manipulate you into doing things that are not in your best interest, such as lending money that won’t get paid back; and knowing how to push your buttons
• Socially: By being able to control access to something you want or need, such as where you live or someone you love; by getting other people to think less of you; or by being more credible or believable than you are

Some people deliberately misuse their power with an intention to be hurtful to others. More often, people act in disrespectful or hurtful ways without realizing it.

Regardless of someone’s intention, when you are on the receiving end of their rude, disrespectful, or threatening behavior, you are likely to feel angry, scared, or sad. Witnessing bullying can also be deeply upsetting.

Figuring out how to use the power you already have to protect yourself and to help others can be life changing.

Here are five strategies you can use to protect yourself and others.

1. Develop and nurture mutually positive and respectful relationships.

At Kidpower, we teach people of all ages that, “We each have the RIGHT to be treated with safety and respect—and the RESPONSIBILITY to act safely and respectfully toward ourselves and others.”

When possible, life is easier when we have professional and personal relationships where everyone agrees on values such as treating each other with safety, respect, and kindness, even when we are frustrated or disagree.

The reality is that we often need to deal with people who don’t share these values, or with workplaces or schools that have written policies that are not consistently upheld by the leadership.

And, even with the best of intentions, people often say or do something hurtful to someone else because

• They don’t realize that their behavior is rude or disrespectful to the other person
• They feel justified since “it is just a joke” or they are “just being honest” and think that the other person is being oversensitive
• They get triggered and lash out
• They become so upset about a disagreement that they get stuck
• They are tired and not their best selves

Rather than labeling unintentional hurtful behavior as “bullying,” we can work on solving the problem by using positive communication, conflict resolution, conscious apologies, and boundary-setting practices.

2. Find ways to protect yourself emotionally rather than becoming consumed with upset feelings.

Feeling helpless and persecuted are normal reactions. Unfortunately, constantly feeling helpless and victimized will most likely waste your time and energy and cause you a lot of pain and will not make the situation better.

For most people, trying to ignore hurtful behavior usually doesn’t work.

Emotional triggers are thoughts, words, or other stimuli that cause us to explode with feelings. When we are exploding with feelings, it is harder to think clearly so that we can make safe and wise choices for ourselves and others. Being bullied is likely to cause us to become emotionally triggered.

If you do not protect yourself, hurting words can get stuck in your heart or head and stay there for a really long time.

There are many ways to stop this from happening. Again, practicing with your body will prepare your mind to use these techniques in real life.

Here are three of the 17 Emotional Safety Skills we teach that can help you protect yourself from becoming negatively triggered by the emotional impact of adult bullying:

• The Trash Can. Imagine someone is insulting you or someone you care about. Use one hand to act out catching the hurtful words, such as, “You are stupid!” from the air. Next, throw those harmful messages away into a trash can. Finally, take in positive self-talk by putting your hands over your heart and saying something kind to yourself, such as, “I am smart!” Then, practice doing this in your imagination so that you are prepared the next time someone says something mean to you—or you say something mean to yourself.
• The Emotional Screen. Imagine that someone is upset with you, and they are expressing their concerns in a very rude way. Crisscross your fingers and look through the holes this makes. Now, think of a screen on a door or window that keeps out the bugs and lets in the fresh air. In real life, you can use or think of this gesture to help you imagine a screen protecting you from the other person’s insulting words or behavior and letting in useful information.
• The Emotional Raincoat. If someone is storming and you cannot just leave, imagine that you are in a real storm, covered with warm, waterproof raingear that protects you from the emotional thunderstorm. You can practice by having another person yell at you loudly and gesture angrily without stopping: “BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! You ALWAYS BLAH BLAH! YOU NEVER BLAH BLAH!” Now, practice staying calm and centered as you interrupt their flood of sounds and make de-escalating statements, such as: “I understand that this is upsetting to you,” “Let’s talk later when we have more time,” “I care about your concerns and want to figure things out,” “We can agree to disagree,” or “I am sorry I forgot.”
• Get centered.  Push the heels of your palms together. Feel where your feet are. Straighten your back. Slowly and quietly, take in a breath, and let it out. Look at or think of something peaceful to focus on.

3. Assess your options and be strategic.
   

Although you often cannot control what another person does, most of the time, you CAN choose how you are going to respond to bullying behavior.

Be strategic by making decisions that further your own goals and are in your best interests rather than simply reacting to someone else’s hurtful words or actions. Choices might include the following:

• Choose leaving or staying. You can disengage for a moment or end the relationship completely. You can set boundaries about what needs to change for you to stay. You can decide to stay while figuring out how to stop the person’s behavior from upsetting you. You can decide to believe that someone in your professional or personal life really is not capable of changing their behavior and then decide whether it is best to leave the relationship or to choose to stay while finding other ways to protect yourself.
• Allow yourself to FEEL one way and ACT another. Instead of being ruled by your emotions, you can decide whether to show or express your thoughts or feelings in the heat of the moment. Suppose the person who is bullying is in a position of leadership at your workplace, school, or other group. With some leaders, you might be able to speak up with them right away. With others, you can choose to act calmly and respectfully and figure out how to address the problem later.
• Speak up or let things go. Pick your battles so that you use your energy, care, and time wisely. Is this relationship important enough to invest in?
• Say “No,” “Yes,” “Maybe,” or “Wait.” If someone is trying to pressure you into doing something you aren’t sure is right for you, buy yourself time. You can say, “I’ll think about it.”

4. Set boundaries.

If you have a relationship with someone who is important to you, set boundaries sooner rather than later. Keep the following thoughts in mind:

• Hoping that the behavior will change because someone “ought to know” or hinting with subtle comments or behavior usually does not work. We call this the “Wishing Technique.” Unfortunately, waiting until you are ready to explode is a recipe for failure.
• HOW you set boundaries makes a big difference in how well they work. Make sure that your tone of voice, words, body language, and facial expressions are clear, confident, and respectful.
• Rehearsing can help you to be successful. Setting boundaries, especially in high-stakes situations, is hard. Practice out loud what you want to say and do. Remember that it is normal for many people to act negatively at first when someone says that they want them to change. Be prepared with positive responses for negative reactions.

5. Get help.

Remember that endlessly agonizing and complaining about someone’s upsetting behavior is not going to lead to change. Instead, write down the bullying behavior as objectively as you can, and find people you trust to help you think things through, get perspective, consider your options, and make a plan.

• If you feel stuck, seek professional help to support you in making needed changes and taking care of yourself emotionally.
• If someone is bullying at your place of work, talk with human resources. Bullying and harassment are often against the rules.
• Go up the chain of command. Who in your situation has the power to do something to stop this behavior?

Work together to create cultures of safety, respect, and kindness.

Set a good example by acting safely and respectfully yourself. If you see someone being bullied, intervene to help them and reach out to that person later.

Learn skills that support greater teamwork, leadership, conflict resolution, and positive communication practices in families, schools, organizations, workplaces, and communities.

Here are a few of Kidpower’s over 300 resources that can help:

• Create Your Own Safety Leadership Initiative – 30 short powerful resources you can use and share to promote personal and psychological safety.
• Workpower Skills for Getting and Keeping Jobs by and for People with Disabilities
• Pridepower Safety Skills By and for People from the LGBTQIA+ Community and Their Allies
• Skills for Safe and Strong Relationships Resource Page